Ever feel unwelcome, unwanted, and alone? Ever felt all of these on what is usually for most, a happy day? Well, I'm feeling that right now!

Lets rewind a bit, give some backstory, shall we?

I'm now 24 years old; when I was born the Hammer and Sickle was ceasing to fly, the US was busy in Gulf War One, and the Internet was still being used mostly by universities and governments. Hell, I can still remember Neopets, and the birth of Ebay.

Of course, that was when I was still living with my biological family. Confused? let me clarify; my parents fought. All the time. Over me, over jobs, over family. Lots of things. First it was just shouting. Then it went up to Domestic Abuse scale, and I have memories of RCMP officers asking me what had happened when I was 8. I recall a few times my dad slept over at friends, one singular time when I was on crutches due to someone being a idiot with improperly extinguished campfire on a beach, and me having to deal with my mother screaming at me. And then, around age 9, my mother started taking out her anger on me. Small things, like smacking me if I wasn't fast enough with homework, etc, or not being home before 7, that sort of thing.

Then it escalated into things like me being thrown into walls, down stairs, etc. Now, unlike a lot of other abuse stories I've read about and heard about, I actually spoke to someone. In my case, ironically enough, with my school disciplinarian. A few comments, a few visible bruises, a cracked collar bone, and a concussion later, and I was paid a visit from some people from the Ministry of Children and Family Development whilst at school. I don't recall much from that time, but I do remember a intensely unpleasant phone call to my mother.

And then I was placed into foster care. I'm not sure how the system works in the US, or in Europe, but our (Canadian) system is a bit oddball, with both permanent and temporary homes, both good and bad. I mostly got the bad, ranging from rich foster families where the "Fostie" as I was called, was very much NOT part of the family, to homes were the people in question, whilst nice, simply didn't know how to deal with foster kids, and all of our attendant baggage.

Baggage you say? Whatever do you mean by "Baggage", Laz? Well, in my case, I was diagnosed at around age 8 as autistic; looking back, it probably contributed to troubles with my biological parents, at least with my mother. My dad didn't seem to care; he was always the voice of reason. And boy, did that diagnosis cause me grief from then on. Everything from being treated as if I was mentally deficient to awkward silences when people were told to being beat up by "Peers" in school, all that and more. It wasn't until I was 14-15 when I finally was properly diagnosed as "High Functioning Autistic" mixed with a bit of "Asperger's" thrown in for good mix.

"High Functioning Autistic?" You ask, "How is that different from Autism itself?". Quite a few differences, actually, of which I'll let Wikipedia help out. Oh, and Asperger's, for giggles.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-functioning_autism

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome

Still around? Yes? Good. Now, lets get this back on the road.

Essentially, ESPECIALLY in the last few years of me being in foster care, I was with foster parents who simply had no canoodling clue how to deal with someone like me; socially awkward, intensely so, and incredibly curious about everything. And, just for giggles, my last foster family? They were from the Baby Boomer generation, with all the cultural mores that intails. Also, thought that their previous experiences with foster care would help; it didn't.

Let me put it this way; I love computers. Always have, always will. I attribute it to my biological father. However, when in foster care I'm told that due to "assessments" I'm not allowed to use a computer at home. I was in High School at the time. WTF, that can't be right, right? Sadly, yes. Even more amusing was my foster parents attempts to "reform" me, as if you can cure something like Autism with prayer, drugs, and negative reinforcement; it didn't, and only left me with a extreme distrust of religion, and people being given power, not earning it themselves. A even more amusing thing to note is that despite being denied a chance to use a computer at home ( to the point that when a friend lent me his to use to finish up a project, my asshole of a foster dad tossed it from the 2nd story balcony we had. Luckily we were able to pull the harddrive and recover the data. My foster dads reason? "I told you you can't use computers; your assessment said so, and by god it will be so!"), my foster parents each had a laptop. And my foster brothers.

Another funny thing to note is that, while foster families are SUPPOSED to help us "Get ready for life", they often don't. I wasn't even informed of the fact that the government washes their hands of us when we turn 19 until I graduated. Fun side note; my graduation? My foster dad grudgingly drove me to it when he couldn't find one of his own kids to do it, and then left me to wait after it was done. I eventually had a friend drive me home after I waited 4 hours, and after multiple phone calls that he picked up then hung up on.Nice man, my foster dad; treat your foster kids like Shinazzy, and your own flesh and blood like they were gold....

And then, abruptly, I was told to get out of the house; No warning, just " Get out". Luckily I managed to get a room from a friend before my foster dad pitcched me out on my ear. Even more amusing than that was the fact that, after scraping up the money for it (No help from my foster parents) they wanted to KEEP my 360, DS, and all my electronics that I had either bought or been gifted. That turned out a little badly for deal 'ol FD after he discovered that I had been taking lessons in self defense from someone at school; he tried to manhandle me around, I dislocated his shoulder, and broke a few fingers. I am 6' 1'', and maybe 140 pounds, he is 6' 2'', and 200 pounds. I had witnesses. It was strangely cathartic to give a little bit back of the Shinazzy I had to put up with over the years.

Since then, I've been in a variety of Shinazzy jobs, with the dual stigma of being a "fostie" and Autistic hanging over my head.

"How does this relate to having a bad day, Laz, especially your birthday?"

I reply " Because my Birthdays have rarely been happy ones, and I usually have a aweful day"

This also ties in with my intense dislike of nepotism, and people either with rich or well off families, or who are also rich or well off, as I grew up with little, got little, and was told I was lucky to have what little I did have. And in more than a few cases, told to "Praise God!" for that much.

So in closing, another year gone by, with little money, few friends, and my biological parents not wanting anything to do with me despite my biological brothers wanting to. At least my biological grandparents kept in touch, but they're starting to leave this mortal coil; a "happy Birthday", this has most certainly NOT been. No party, no real friends wishing me well, just another day were if I were to drop dead, very few people would actually care. And that, is something intensely depressing to realize

Post Script;

To be honest, I'm not even sure WHY I'm writing this all down; posterity? Reasoning for the "come on with the constantly depressive comments" as Vindex Terrae puts it? Desire to tell my story, as depressing as it is? Musings of a intensely depressed, and somewhat manic mind? I don't know. All I do know is, that I am putting this up, to much derision, likely, or for no one at all to care, or even read, most likely. At this point, I don't really care anymore about being insulted, put down, or derided; I've experienced it all. Bring on your insults, your wrath; I don't care anymore .